I miss the process I followed for the last six years and wish I could go back to the UPSC process. Unknowingly, long hours of studying subjects became a part of me. Indeed, it is an addiction. It is hard to see my peers have more time to prepare and return to it after each failure. It makes me realize how I lost track of time. I felt alive then.
I had enough chances. What was I doing in my younger years? It feels like I wasn’t truly living. Where was I? Is this some random parallel universe? I can’t find solid ground beneath my feet, as if I’m sinking into quicksand with no bed in sight. The suffocation of drowning makes me uncomfortable. And Plan B is a faraway abode.
”Who should I blame?
Zero HourThemeNectar
Did I do my best?
Who should I blame?
Did I do my best?
I’m not sure. Perhaps, I might have. But whenever I took a break, the thought of being lazy ravaged my brain from within. I was trying to freeze time. Is this the same me who existed ten years ago?
What builds character?
No idea.
This might be my character. But the self-perception my muscles remember was far more artistic than the one I live in now. I miss being myself, although I barely remember what it was like. Is it possible to reverse time? What extra or different could I have done in the past? I have never learned from mistakes, for that matter, and instead faced away from failures. I seldom looked back.
I don’t live in the moment. I live in my brain in a shell that contains only thin, hazy air. Here the clocks are silent, like in a black hole. It gives me a hide from my persona and takes me far away through my wild imagination.
When I sleep, bad dreams emerge. But when I am awake, I dream a lot about taking revenge on the villains in my bad dreams. I think I’m plagued by bad dreams.
All I want is a ticket to the faraway land where I can simply be without ever using the word ‘I’. Have you been there? The only happy daydream of mine is about that place, where I can be just a pile of mass without any identity.
The moment when you realise your mistakes is also considered a learning experience. Gather every experience in your mind, and please take the necessary things after multiple filters to help you reach your dream destination.
Beautiful articulation. As a UPSC aspirant, I was able to connect every word of your writing.