I miss the process I followed for the last six years and wish to return to the UPSC process. Unknowingly, long hours of studying subjects became a part of me. Indeed, it is an addiction. Seeing my peers have more time to prepare and return to it after each failure is hard. It makes me realize how I lost track of time. I felt alive then.
I’ve had enough chances. What was I doing in my younger years? It feels like I wasn’t truly living. Where was I? Is this some random parallel universe? I can’t find solid ground beneath my feet, as if I’m sinking into quicksand with no bed in sight. The suffocation of drowning makes me uncomfortable. And Plan B is a faraway abode.
”Who should I blame?
Zero Hour
Did I do my best?
Who should I blame?
Did I do my best?
I’m not sure. Perhaps, I might have. But whenever I took a break, the thought of being lazy ravaged my brain from within. I was trying to freeze time. Is this the same me who existed ten years ago?
What builds character?
No idea.
This might be my character. But the self-perception my muscles remember was far more artistic than the one I live in now. I miss being myself, although I barely remember what it was like. Is it possible to reverse time? What extra or different could I have done in the past? I have never learned from mistakes, for that matter, and instead faced away from failures. I seldom looked back.
I don’t live in the moment. I live in my brain in a shell that contains only thin, hazy air. Here the clocks are silent, like in a black hole. It gives me a hide from my persona and takes me far away through my wild imagination.
When I sleep, bad dreams emerge. But when I am awake, I dream a lot about taking revenge on the villains in my bad dreams. I think I’m plagued by bad dreams.
All I want is a ticket to the faraway land where I can simply be without ever using the word ‘I’. Have you been there? The only happy daydream of mine is about that place, where I can be just a pile of mass without any identity.
The moment when you realise your mistakes is also considered a learning experience. Gather every experience in your mind, and please take the necessary things after multiple filters to help you reach your dream destination.
Beautiful articulation. As a UPSC aspirant, I was able to connect every word of your writing.