What would be the most hated feeling of yours? Well, for me, it is the feeling of being ‘confused.’ Uncertainty of what comes next makes me anxious. I would often do nothing but think about the options and create clogs in my brain. What this dilemma-making habit of mine has caused me in my life — I keep failing in objective-type exams. Thinking about the possibility of different options being correct creates complex patterns in my head. I gather all my knowledge, experience, and energy to coagulate things further — all of these I create out of a few straightforward options. I weigh every other aspect of a problem but my instinct because I am too ashamed to consider myself valid. I believe I don’t deserve that consideration.
I am not entirely sure if this rightly describes my condition called Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). For me, it’s a constant state of confusion and contradictions. I have been trying to find answers ever since I started thinking. Answers for almost everything. My first memory of being confused is that of me repeatedly pronouncing the word ‘chutney’ and finding it weird and thinking about how humans eventually came to that word instead of anything else. Try repeatedly saying ‘chutney’ and listen to yourself. You might also feel confused if that is the right word for the so-called ‘chutney’ we eat. Or might you?
”Personality Disorders are not mental illnesses, but some types of personalities develop in a twisted way due to the social and physical interactions of certain people.
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My perplexities evolved with me. I started asking questions to people — teachers, parents, friends, and cousins — oftentimes they misunderstood my questions, and their answers were not satisfactory to me. But after trying for maybe two or three times, I would give up, nodding my head to whatever they said, with partial agreement just to stop repeating myself — which makes me feel stupid! I fell into a loop, kept forgetting the unsatisfactory answers as soon as they had been delivered, and repeated my questions to myself — ashamed of asking further.
I used to love asking questions when I was young because they brought me a lot of attention. People cherish it when children ask questions because they think there is no accountability toward children. But later, those doubts became my main enemy because everybody hated the questions of an adult. So I had to learn to hide my urge to clarify things and to learn how things were working.
Eventually, I gave up on some of them, some of them gave me up, and another set I answered through my experience (but not correctly, according to my therapist).
Once in the world of the internet, the opportunities to find answers to all my questions were plenty, but I started to hate them because even after long years of my quest, I knew only very little. I found that fitting in was better because society was treating me differently. I stood out among my peers as eccentric and grumpy. I hated that. So I learned to act normal, but I was not. This caused conflicts within. On the outside, I wore traditional dresses, was excited about getting good marks, tried to find my place in the good books of people, and even fell in love; inside, I was not sure what to do next and was getting more and more confused about my real identity. A huge contradictory life was stressful and required a lot of brain and brawn. I got engulfed in the whirlpool of normalcy. My focus was that. But the doubts never ended. They poked me from inside.
As years went by, I reached the verge of an emotional explosion. I kept failing exams. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t stop getting confused about everything I learned and myself in front of the question papers. I became hopeless and tired. But still, I managed to strive harder until one fine day I got the clarion call of wisdom — there is something different about me! As I sought help, my psychiatrist revealed the pattern, and I realised that it was a peculiar feature of my personality — a Borderline Personality.
The Personality Disorders:
Personality Disorders are not mental illnesses, but some types of personalities develop in a twisted way due to the social and physical interactions of certain people. The routes are yet to be dug deeper and defined scientifically. Although, the increasing number of diagnoses shows the rising awareness of mental health and well-being.
There are different types of personality disorders, and the scientific world clusters them into three broader classes. Borderline Personality Disorder falls under Cluster B. Nevertheless, there is no permanent cure for personality disorders as they are not illnesses. They can be managed, and the person can have a functional life if help is sought as soon as possible.
In the world, almost 7.8% of the population is diagnosed with some personality disorder (source), out of which 0.7–2.7% have BPD (source). The unidentified cases may be many times more than this. While the exact causation factors are still being researched, genetic and socio-economic factors contribute to the condition.
Personality disorders are now internationally recognised as a mental health priority. Nevertheless, there are no systematic reviews examining the global prevalence of personality disorders.
However, the hope-giving factor is that at least some now care for mental health. I hope to see more clinical and social advancements in understanding personality disorders soon. Also, I wish for myself to be happy even without all the answers.
It’s not easy to live with few answers and way too many questions. But I have to live. I embrace my helplessness and often enjoy the way I am. I am sure that nobody can find all the answers in life. At least I can identify and try.
