I never thought of myself as anything more than normal in all the senses that society wanted me to be. This includes my personal and sexual life. My upbringing was in a very average background. I had never been anywhere outside my country. Until graduation, I studied in my state. I have few friends and lack extraordinary abilities or a striking persona. But lately, I realized it is possible to be different and discover it even though we have never been exposed to anything extraordinary. I recently acknowledged that I am polyamorous.
How can I be in a society where the term itself is not organic? We talk about adultery in our communities but not consensual relationships. For me to lead a happy life, I can hide this as long as needed and pretend to have a full life with my only partner in front of orthodox society. But that will be self-betrayal. Can I be happy that way?
”Although traumatic, my first such experience with the idea of multiple partners as my desire helped me learn my lessons.
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Unfortunately for me, my partner is not yet exposed to any such lifestyles and is unaware of even the existence of polyamory. He can only see the sexual part of such relationships, whereas, for me, this sexuality of mine is not just a sexual drive to multiple partners but an emotional need as well. So should I live a pretentious life in the fear of cheating on him one day? I brainstormed in all possible ways. I feel self-betrayed when I think of giving up on myself. I feel sad.
Recently, I met my potential second partner. Within a few days, my real instincts started kicking in. I just couldn’t let go as if he was invisible to me. But I haven’t dared to discuss things openly with my partner to set boundaries and deal with each other — as I have abandonment fears in that relationship. Because I feared losing my second partner, I started phone dating him the moment I realized he could be the one. But neither he nor I was devoid of guilt. I believe we had intense feelings for each other but were unable to explore them because of the guilt-ridden side of him. I stopped, he stopped, and we kept on stopping, catching each other. Two weeks passed, and eventually, we came to the unavoidable point where he left me, saying he couldn’t continue doing this. I felt sad. So I decided to discuss the matter with my partner and come to a closure. I was not ready to give up yet. Because I loved them both equally.
I have tried to keep both ends connected; however, issues started arising from day one. My partner was unable to process the more open nature of my relationship desires. He outrightly rejected the thought of me having another male friend — let alone a boyfriend. However, the other person never wanted to assume the antagonist mask and rejected my proposal to give my partner some time and gradually bring him to the concept. Amidst them, my love and passion never had a chance. I didn’t have a voice. I started feeling insignificant and voiceless. At one point, the second person left me abruptly, leaving no space for my affection for him. That way, my very first and eye-opening encounter with polyamory ended for good — as I happened to realize that I have to choose people who respect me as a person in a relationship. Shortly after, I ended my first relationship, for I’m not a possession whatsoever.
Although traumatic, my first such experience with the idea of multiple partners as my desire helped me learn my lessons.
Polyamory:
The sociological definition of the term is consensual non-monogamy (CNM), which includes physical, mental, and emotional relationships of a person with more than one partner. Here, the partners will be of the same priority, and there will not be any hierarchy.
People in CNM relationships are more likely to define polyamory as constituting a potential form of relating, focus more on interpersonal feelings and ethics, and include consent in their definitions than those unwilling to engage in CNM. People in CNM relationships also focus particularly on the non-central role of sex within these relationships, which might challenge assumptions about sexuality in these relationships in clinical and research settings. (Source)
Is Polyamory a Sexual Orientation?
Legally, polyamory is not yet a sexual orientation, although some people consider it a part of their sexuality. Psychologically, poly-by-orientation people often mention being oriented toward multiple people since childhood, such as pretending to have multiple spouses when they played house or socializing in groups instead of having a single best friend. Many emphasize a profound discomfort with monogamy and an inability to remain in monogamous relationships.
For some people, though, it’s a choice and lifestyle they follow for some time or maybe for a longer period.
Social Aspects:
Introduced in the 1990s, polyamory is still a term not much discussed in the public sphere. The concept of CNM is not yet a mainstream idea in Indian society. However, with the influence of globalization and improving living standards, younger generations are getting more and more exposed and showing interest in trying out new vistas.
What Should We Do:
CNM is different from adultery. Here, the consent of both partners is required. Also, if you are into CNM, you must have boundaries set with different partners, and you should stick with them. If at one point you wish to get committed to one of your polyamorous partners or anybody else, it’s important to communicate your decision to all other partners, lest you leave them in limbo.
Also, if you are into sexual polyamory, it has to be safe and healthy — both physically and mentally — for you and all your partners. Dealing with jealousy is one of the most important factors for that matter. For that, clear and regular communication with your partners is required. You should be able to have open talks and address jealousy properly.
My preference is two partners. Not all people could be the same. There can be multiple-partner cases as well. In such scenarios, it’s important to note that it is not one-sided. If you want to be in a poly relationship, you should also let your partner chase his/her life. It’s a mutual living. All your partners will be equal, even if you are in a marital relationship with one and a non-committed relationship with another. It’s the choice of each partner and you to decide what sort of company you would have.
Having multiple partners is a social stigma in most societies. If one desires so, society equates them all with perverts and unsound minds. But that’s not reality. The choice of one’s life is not restricted to one partner as long as there is consent. It’s important to stick to who you are rather than fake happiness and have a hollow life.
