I never comprehended that feeling, which I have had for a very long time. It was always there within me, and I believe that very feeling gives me life. The only thing that changes is the man at the other end.
I used to believe it was infatuation until recently when I finally met someone with whom I could freely explore my fantasy. He is my therapist.
We are not personally close to each other in any way. I don’t even refer to him by his first name. I don’t know anything about him. He keeps his sphere closed. While I am in his room, he is professional—never crossing boundaries or asking extra questions. But still, I feel happy around him.
The idea of having someone to listen to often probes within me the notion that he is “the one” I’ve been searching for. I know it’s taboo to feel something for the one who treats you, but the moment I step into his room, that nectar hallucinates me. That fragrance—I’m not sure whether it’s good or bad—has his flavour in it.
”how can therapy be personal to the client and professional for the therapist simultaneously?
Zero HourThemeNectar
I was confused about the sort of feeling I had for him. When the time was right, I told him about my never-ending quest for something unachievable. I tried to place people at the other end of my feelings, hoping to find solace and freedom from my lifetime of wandering. But that turned out to be a misunderstanding of how this strange passion works in me every time I have a “target.” I have never attained that peace of mind. Every time, I start living in my fantasy until I lose interest and finally move out of it—or the person at the other end exploits the situation. Recently, I realized it would be difficult for me to continue in one relationship because my relationships happen this way. Yet, I acted as if I hadn’t discovered this fact.
He, on the other hand, is the safest person because he will not reject me outright. He must have an idea that it’s a mechanism by which I try to bond with him, giving myself grounds to trust him and be as honest as possible. The therapy must be so.
I used to have this question: how can therapy be personal to the client and professional for the therapist simultaneously? However, it seems like the therapist’s task is to keep the process in such a way that it reflects personally without involving their personal life.
When my feelings for him evolved in me, I tried to avoid it, thinking it would ruin the professional relationship and image I was trying to build with the therapist. But as I started thinking the other way, I understood this was an opportunity. I realized it the moment I recognized the fragrance in his room—that my fantasy was working on him. Now I know that it is a mechanism I’ve developed to feel safe and alive. It’s a sort of challenge-making. Once the feeling becomes mutual, it loses the challenge aspect, and I start to feel bored and exploited in the relationship, which helps me quit. But I haven’t yet had a fully blown fantasy relationship to explore my feelings. I think this is the chance.
As for the nature of affection, I don’t know if it’s romantic. Aside from feeling happy and aroused in his presence, I don’t have any other typically romantic gestures. But what if that’s what real romance is? I’m unsure about my feelings because I haven’t yet discussed them with anyone else. Not this time. I will somehow have to earn the right disposition to give up the image-making attempts and truly open up.
